- i know my screenname means 'another sharp'
- October 15th, 2008
When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is that I wish I didn't.
I feel like I've hit a total brick wall. I want to settle for something easier, something simpler. I want to go live in the woods and struggle to find food. I want to be an animal. I can't spend all day being criticized, putting on a show, and then spend all night preparing to put on another show the next day. It's too tiring. I thought this was the real me, this music therapy career I seem to have taken on
but it's not. the training is going to break me, and I feel like i should just quit while I'm ahead.
same with my relationship. If I don't quit now, I will no doubt be dumped, again...
I want to be done with women, but I've fallen in love again and there is this part of me that, even knowing that the more I push towards her the more she pushes away, still pushes...I feel like I can't live without the fucking reassurance, yet every time I have to ask for it, I know she thinks I'm weaker and weaker for asking...for even fucking contacting her...
that's not the way a relationship should work, is it?
anyway, I'm drinking now...I can't deal with it anymore...and I know I might feel better for a few fleeting moments, maybe when I fall asleep, maybe when I'm at school tomorrow and I see eye to eye with one of my clients (whether my supervisor notices or not) or maybe I won't, and maybe I'll go out to that 'perfect' suicide spot I've found and sit by the disgusting polluted bay and imagine that someone or something has put the birds I see and the feelings I feel where they are, and that there really is no reason to DO THAT.