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There is no way out but out...

back to my old username!
sit back
happy to have this name back... (I was une_autre_vive )

the song still has a lot of meaning for me and I love the open implications of an 'evil hand'...

"Evil Hand- Thalia Zedek"

above is a download link if any of you would like to hear the song

and yes, the artist is female : P

just some business..
sit back
going to change my username, most likely later today or tomorrow..

just so we know!

I'm going to either CORRECT my horribly mis-translated french handle to une_autre_VIE (which was what i had originally intended to create)

or a french version of my old handle the_evil_hand which would be la_mechante_main

I may also just see if I can change back to the_evil_hand...I think it's been long enough...


i know my screenname means 'another sharp'
sit back
When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is that I wish I didn't.

I feel like I've hit a total brick wall. I want to settle for something easier, something simpler. I want to go live in the woods and struggle to find food. I want to be an animal. I can't spend all day being criticized, putting on a show, and then spend all night preparing to put on another show the next day. It's too tiring. I thought this was the real me, this music therapy career I seem to have taken on
but it's not. the training is going to break me, and I feel like i should just quit while I'm ahead.

same with my relationship. If I don't quit now, I will no doubt be dumped, again...

I want to be done with women, but I've fallen in love again and there is this part of me that, even knowing that the more I push towards her the more she pushes away, still pushes...I feel like I can't live without the fucking reassurance, yet every time I have to ask for it, I know she thinks I'm weaker and weaker for asking...for even fucking contacting her...
that's not the way a relationship should work, is it?

anyway, I'm drinking now...I can't deal with it anymore...and I know I might feel better for a few fleeting moments, maybe when I fall asleep, maybe when I'm at school tomorrow and I see eye to eye with one of my clients (whether my supervisor notices or not) or maybe I won't, and maybe I'll go out to that 'perfect' suicide spot I've found and sit by the disgusting polluted bay and imagine that someone or something has put the birds I see and the feelings I feel where they are, and that there really is no reason to DO THAT.

for those who remember
sit back
this is the_evil_hand,

I'd deleted my old journal because I was afraid it was making me 'sicker' than I would have been without it. It's hard to explain.

anyway, I'm back because I'm mentally back in the same place I feel I was when I used to post, when I used to restrict, purge, take laxatives....only I try, my absolute hardest, not to do those things anymore.

I eat "right" (though what does that mean anyway?) I exercise 40mins a day, and that's on a good day.
I don't know my weight for fear it will trigger
I've quit smoking and doing drugs.
the only vices that remain are cutting and drinking...and they've come on with great force this time....

it's as if there was a short remission of all addictions, all symptoms, all whateverthefuck...

and now two have come back, with the vengence they'd wished to have inflicted initially...

I'm cutting deeper and drinking harder than I have in the past...and I know this to be problematic...but the truth is, I am still fucntioning, still successful, still socially accepted.

how am I supposed to give up my 'vive autre' when no one really gives a shit whether I do or not?

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